Originally Posted by
countrygirl2014 
I'm not going to drink. But I think I need to see a professional. This crap is all in my head.
Yeah, therapy.
There's a lot of hurtful clutter in your head that needs to be discarded. Or at least rearranged.
Self-loathing offers nothing but tears and the guarantee of everlasting pain. There's no reason why you have to continue on with the living hell you've described.