Help me.
I am starting to feel some pretty awful things I would like to drink away. I hate myself. I always have. I have never told anyone any of this and bare with me, I'm crying. I hate the way I look. I am ugly, I am disgusting to look at. I started out a normal kid, first one in my grade to have the cute boy crush on me. I had many friends. Then I went from elementary to middle school and my best friend turned on me. The whole school turned on me. They called me ugly. A ***** (I was a virgin until 16) too skinny, rat face (that even hurts to say) it became a game to them that haunted me well out of high school and to this day. I started drinking at 15. Heavily. With older people not any where near my school. Just so they would not "see" how hideous I was. I had very handsome boyfriends, my daughter is beautiful. Why can't I drop this I'm 38??? My fiances brother called me a name at work the other day that brought this all back. I don't even like the way I act. I'm irrational, nervous, just plain old not cool at all. I'm stressed out all the time for no effin reason. I want to drink. I want to feel numb to this. I want to ignore my low self esteem. It hurts so bad. Why does this man even love me? Why does my daughter? When are they going to see what a mean ugly horrible monster I am? I can't deal with this.
That is my brain right now friends. What do I need to do to fix it? Should I be in therapy? Is this a normal thing? Does anyone else have these issues? I am going to shower and cry this pain out. I'll be back. No drinking. I promise. But I want to. Not gonna lie. I want to binge drink for weeks straight and forget about me. Someone help me