Sparklekitty, I was in my late 40s when I realized that my entire life had been lived according to a subconscious belief that, well, wasn't really accurate:
I believed (I realized) that there is ONE right way of doing things. Everything. From putting the toilet paper roll in to brushing your teeth to relating to other people to choosing a career. And
if you just do everything right, things will go well for you. The flip side of that (which is a logical error) is that
if bad things happen to you, it's because you did something wrong.
Anyone who studied logic will laugh at that. But I truly believed that, without even being aware of it. So then I was judgmental of other people who had problems (because clearly, they wouldn't have had those problems
if they had only done things right). And then when I ended up in an abusive marriage and with kids going in and out of mental hospitals, obviously
I had done something terribly wrong and I had to punish myself.
That's a great way to feel miserable about yourself. I can recommend it if feeling miserable is your goal in life.
I've gotten over being judgmental of other people. And I really appreciate this:
"If I am perfect no one can hurt me."
It's taken me a lifetime to understand that I will get hurt in life. And that it's part of life. It's not a punishment for anything BAD I've done; it's not a wake-up call from my HP. It's just
life. It's painful and horrible and absolutely amazing and wonderful. It's all of that.