I am very hard on myself, seeing my mistakes in retrospect leaves me feeling so shameful.
I'm like you. I've forgiven the A I was married to. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Part of it for me is perfectionism. I don't expect it of others, but I hold myself to an impossible standard. It's cruel. And there's a lot of pride in it. It's almost like I'm saying "yeah,
you peons can't be perfect, of course, but
I should be able to." It's a weird mix of pride and self-loathing.