I came here when my son was about 5 months old, my husband had entered inpatient rehab.. I came to talk with others about the rehab process, how to work through all my pain. And my goal was to rebuild my family. From the very beginning while I had pockets of support here.. I felt attacked, ridiculed, insulted, bullied, disrespected.. because I didn't fall in line with a lot of the things I was told to do.. and no they didn't come across as suggestions in my mind.
for example, my husband went to a nice rehab - people called it plushy, and there were so many posts about what rehab he went to and I never even gave the name... , and oh BTW it was a non 12 step rehab that focused on evidence based treatments primarily through therapy and various types of CBT..
I felt a lot of judgment over my decision to stay in my marriage, support my husband, and participate in recovery with him. I got the impression most people thought this only showed how unhealthy I was.. still in denial I heard a lot, also comments about how I didn't "get it". I found these condescending.
For example.. his rehab was in another state and I would travel to visit him.. not approved of... I took our infant son.. not approved of... I felt a lot of guilt at first over comments about my son - I was told it was not in his best interest to be around his father until he could prove over a year or two that he was serious about recovery.. so 2.5 years later I guess they would just be getting to know each other.. and lost out on the last 2.5 years of bonding?
At one point the doctors at his rehab suggested we do marriage counseling.. I felt this was not approved of.. I was told he wasn't capable of working on the relationship for a year or more, to just focus on me as it was pointless... but I decided to do it anyway and I actually relocated for about 6 weeks with my son and our dog to do this. So while a small group supported me, overall I felt very judged with all the decisions I made; at a time when I needed support.
I also didn't feel like people could offer much hope for his recovery and this is why logically they said to focus on myself. It does make sense, but in my case my husband was in rehab for 3 months, he was trying. Plus I had then, and still have faith in lasting recovery.
From the very beginning I didn't understand the diagnosis of my being codependent.. my therapist didn't agree.. I didn't feel like I was.. I hadn't stayed in a bad relationship.. I wasn't ACOA, I didn't marry an addict - he became addicted years later when he suffered an injury and got started on pain meds.. then it progressed.. But I asked him to go live that way if he wanted early on, and he moved out. We were separated a year.. I had a lot of family, friends, a good job, and a son.. I made mistakes a long the way.. a lot of them.. but this is why I was in therapy..
I also encouraged his treatment and was told it wouldn't work because of this.. it was like everything I did was marked as wrong.. but yet we were both getting better, and life was getting better. so it was a strange parallel....
I still feel very uncomfortable with the level codependency is talked about, and ( I feel ) its pushed on the family forums. We all come here for different reasons, with different backgrounds.. and while I sympathize and realize many people are at end stage and need out of their relationships.. that's not to say everyone does.. is ready now, or will ever be.. I never look at a new person and think they will follow a set path, my path, or anyone else's path... I try not to see their loved one in mine... I cant tell them why their husband does something or what he's thinking and feels with certainty.. I got a lot of this feedback and it wasn't helpful and often it was incorrect as more was revealed to me. I stopped posting a long time ago on the forum walls about my ongoing personal journey.. I remember once I made a post on Thanksgiving about how thankful and grateful I was.. it got locked.. I was told enjoy it while I could because it wouldn't last long...
We know so little here especially about newcomers - I know what I appreciated the most was when people would listen and then share their own personal story.. if they could relate to what I was going through, or even a complete opposite was very helpful..
I wish we could do a survey on why people left SR... Im sharing what I am not to be hurtful just to show a different perspective of someone who had a bit of a rough journey on SR.
With all that said, I stayed and it was my choice. I stayed because the positives outweighed the negatives. Ive made great friends, I try to share my ESH, and I learn from everyone here.. as a newcomer I was in a much more emotional state and I felt vulnerable; so I try to remember this. I also try to remember that just because someone is new to SR, they are not necessarily new to addiction or recovery.. maybe they just come here because they need a place to talk with others; a safe, non judgmental place.