I think any one of the things you've been through could have totally derailled a lesser person.
Think about it: how does one handle a death better, or empty nesting better? or looking after your mum better? or moving to a new job better?
exactly who are you in competition with, Jeni?
I think you need to accept you're not perfect Jeni - but you are a wonderful thoughtful caring and striving human being...and beating yourself up for that is just futile
D