Back to the docs
After a bad night of panic attacks and insomnia, I've taken the morning off to go see my doctor.
He will probably put me back on antidepressants and this seems like such a backward step I'm so disappointed in myself. I was on meds for years, but when I got sober almost 2 and a half years ago, I came off them. I worked the steps of AA, and had intensive counselling. It wasn't plain sailing. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder and put on meds to help with IBS, which was stress induced. I had insomnia for a long time, but meditation and prayer transformed my life.
And yet, here I am again. I've had a lot to deal with I know...Dad's death, daughter leaving home, leaving one job and starting another, real concerns over my mums mental health...juggling a stressful career and trying to make sure my newly widowed mum is eating and taking care of herself when there is a long distance to travel at the end of the day...it's all taken it's toll.
I should have equipped myself with the skills, strength and resilience to get through this time.
But I can feel I'm sliding...and meds may be the answer. I just can't stop crying and feel so utterly useless. That blackness isn't far away and I haven't got the strength to turn away from it.