of course I believed him because I wanted it to be true.
That's a large dose of truth there that I think a lot of us can relate to. That's what we do, as codependents. We believe them because we want it to be true.
Sparklekitty said
forgive yourself and move on.
and that's where I can relate to your situation. Forgiving yourself is
hard -- often harder than forgiving other people. You beat yourself upside the head and tell yourself "I should have known better."
And I like Kitty's idea to see this from the outside for a second. If you came here and read the post you just made -- if someone else made it -- what would you tell that person? I think I would say "You are realizing that your actions might have stood in the way of
his recovery. You're no longer taking those actions. But what actions are you taking
for yourself? How are your actions helping
your recovery?"
If you're felling ashamed to go back to an AA meeting, you could always go to an Al-Anon meeting for starters. I have a feeling the folks in those rooms would have a lot of understanding for you.
So you didn't really help his recovery. Well, my friend, that's something a lot of us here can relate to. As a "double winner" you probably have a deeper understanding of
how that kind of "helping" doesn't help -- and that kind of understanding could be helpful for Al-Anoners who don't have the first-hand experience of addiction.
So I think I would see the experience not so much as something to beat myself up over as something that I could learn from, and something that could help other people if you shared it with them.
Be good to yourself.