Deja vu
Here I am, where I was a year and a half ago, crying and feeling my heart break all over again while RAH (so far as I know) is sleeping like a baby. This is not how someone who cares acts, right? Someone who gives a $hit doesn't go off to bed, leaving their wife to sob while she starts divorce proceedings (and yes, I was exactly here a year and a half ago).
Long story short--he doesn't feel that things were all that bad. He doesn't feel he did anything all that wrong. Yeah, sure, he lied to me about his smoking and drinking for all but the first 6 months of our 18-year marriage, but hey, he stopped drinking and lying over a year ago, and things should be just fine now, right? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?? How come I haven't welcomed him w/open arms? How come we still aren't having sex? Just b/c he mocked me for even questioning why money seemed to be missing out of the bank accounts--just b/c he didn't want to get any help b/c "what if I find out I don't like it here?"--just b/c for years he remembered nothing we talked about and told me that these things were "not important enough to commit to memory"--just b/c he has been emotionally unavailable--and on and on. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM??
He is tired of me "throwing things in his face every day." All that stuff is in the past. Why can't I just forget about it and trust him?
This is it. I am done. I've been waiting around the hardware store for over a year now, walking in every once in a while to see if maybe they got some bread in. They didn't. I don't think they ever will.
And it is breaking my heart. Again. I know what I have to do, but I am scared to death and so sad...but the fact that he can go to bed and sleep peacefully, knowing what I'm feeling and what I'm going thru, and the fact that this is far from the first time this scene has played out over the years, is going to be what keeps me going. That, and SR.
Please send me some hugs, you guys. I have to go take a walk and make a cup of tea and try to settle down. I need to wake up for work in 5 hours, assuming I ever get to sleep in the first place.