Originally Posted by
Lifeishard 
Yes his pain is numbed by booze. 18 months after we split he states he will always be empty without me. I feel the real pain and heart is bleeding again. I do believe he misses me. He has now reverted to calling me names and blaming me for him cheating. He is saying I pushed him away do he got attention from another woman. But he became emotionally unavailable years before due to drink. He says I wasn't there to talk about his day but he pushed me away. Now blaming myself thinking if I was more available to him he wouldn't have cheated? I was doing so well .....
You are in control of yourself and how you choose to view things/interpret his bs. He is quacking. He is unhappy and doesn't want to take responsibility, so it is by default your fault. He isn't remotely in recovery or thinking rationally. Cheating was his choice. He had about 100 different choices before he cheated assuming his needs weren't getting met. Least of all was leaving you before he violated your trust. Despite all the options of how to handle himself, he chose cheating. His choice, pure and simple. Not everyone in that situation makes that choice, but he did. Now he refuses to take responsibility for his choice and wants to blame you. As long as you keep stepping up to take the blame, he will keep laying it on you. Only when YOU CHOOSE to disengage will it stop. He might never stop actually blaming you, but you can chose to stop accepting it. Get it? Your choice.
How do I know this? My exA blamed me too for his cheating. I was away at grad school (95 miles away) and he was lonely. Cry me a river. I was confused for a long time, because I could not understand how he could possibly blame me. Was I really at fault? But I had been there for years supporting him, why couldn't he do the same for me? It wasn't my fault, it was his for cheating. HE made that CHOICE. Just like your ex, HE made that CHOICE.
They don't like being adults who are responsible for themselves. Oh, well. That's life. Join the club...
I hope you feel better. You might want to start rethinking HOW you are interacting with him and HOW you are CHOOSING to interpret his words.
Hugs