Understanding the Alcholic mind.
Why, why, why do I still think I can try to understand the alcoholic mind?
I had not heard anything from my xabf for 6 weeks now..
I have been doing good.. I mean really well the last couple of weeks. I told my therapist I felt like I should feel sad but don't.. I had so many highs and lows with him that this even keel is scary... I don't know how to do calm and serene. But guess what, I've been doing it...!!! And I'm actually liking it... I really am functioning from a center within me that's living and not dead... its focused on healing. When my thoughts leave this center and go to my false sense. I stop it.... yes I can actually have control over my feelings now... yeh!!
Anyways out of the blue he called Friday night. I thankfully didn't see his call until I was getting ready for bed, so there was no temptation to call him back. he didn't leave a message and I did not stay up all night contemplating what to do... I wasn't going to respond period.
Saturday night I get a text
axbf 7:16pm: Just thinking about you all the time, especially last night. Im eating out with my mom right now for her birthday..
it took me 10 min to decide if I wanted to respond or not. then I decided, I'm still going to be me. I just cant be rude... I enjoy being nice and kind. Also I'm strong, I can do this.
my text back 7:26pm: Aww, very nice. I'm sure she's having a great birthday then!
axbf 9:57pm: Hope you are doing well
axbf: 10:08 pm: Just got home we had fun
Sunday night
axbf 7:45 pm: How are you doing? Are you home?
axbf 7:48 pm: like to talk if you can, before I go to bed, if you would like?
me 7:53: Hi, I'm great. I just plugged my phone in so I can talk. (he knows my phone dies easily- and he usually talks a long time)
That was it... no phone call from him, no text message's...
I typed this out because I wanted honest opinions... did I sound like I didn't want him to call.
????????- I cant understand..... I just don't get it... I really don't. it took a lot for me to even respond to him...I really didn't want to open anything back up. but thought maybe he just needs someone to talk to..maybe he sees things differently. I want to be friendly...(I guess maybe I still want to "help" him and that's the enabler, co-dependent in me)
I know he's controlling (maybe he wanted me to call him)... I've written several things on here and others have said I should be afraid of him... I'm not.. I still think of him as a wounded soul. I know the anniversary of the death of that girlfriend is in another week. But why?
Why go through 3 days of messages after 6 weeks of nothing, just to end it like that... why not even say.... I've changed my mind, probably better not to talk.
Anyways.... I'm still good... yes I've given to much thought to him again this morning, but not obsessing over it.. just confused I guess..
What it did do for me though.... I don't want to talk to him... so I'm not going to..... I cant handle his crazy and keep getting well myself...
Wisdom needed please...