Good morning -
Well, had a very long conversation with my BF last night. I was really trying to understand what he was feeling/thinking about his drinking yesterday. I admit, I sometimes struggle in conversations with him - he tends to give metaphors as answers instead of direct answers and it can be really frustrating. So even though we had a long conversation about AA, my own drinking and his drinking I went to bed and didn't sleep at all. Basically felt like I was having small panic attacks all night. Seriously at one point I thought I was going to throw up.
So I got up early today and talked with him briefly. Told him I needed to understand if his goal is to not drink. He said yes.
He also pointed out how much I worry about things I can't control. So true. I can't control his drinking. And I worry about a ton of other stuff I can't control.
So here's where I'm at - if his goal is to not drink, I'm of course supportive of his goal. I will put my focus on my goal of not drinking (something I can control.) If he slips again or relapses then I will decide what to do at that time (trying not to worry about the future and things I can't control here.) I will set whatever limits or take whatever actions are best for me at that time - up to and including ending the relationship if that's what needs to happen for my own well being. (Crois, to answer your question, the terms of our lease go month to month next month.)
I feel better knowing that we have a common goal - to not drink.
Dee, I don't think he drank because I did. I really believe that he didn't even understand that I also have a drinking problem until last night (even though I've told him this in the past!) so his drinking was not a "well she did it, so I will too." There's something else going on here. I think I get it, but it's too much to explain in this post.
I will admit feeling, and this is the wrong attitude but it's honestly bothering me, that I lost some sort of bargaining chip by relapsing myself. And I know that's focusing on his recovery, not mine, that a relationship doesn't work like that etc. But I'm putting it out there. I lost my "holier than thou-ness". It's humbling and hard when you discover parts of yourself that you don't like very much.
I have a lot of hard work to do. Thanks for your continued input and support.
NCG