One of the characteristics of Codis (and probably everyone who deals with an addict) is the spiraling of emotions and frustration that can lead to outbursts and actions that make us look even unhealthier than the A.
When this happens, how do you forgive yourself?
I don't know how to go about it right now. I have scheduled my first therapy lesson and went to both Al-Anon and AA today. I found a little peace but in the darkening night, my heart hurts for my loss of control. I am now more unhealthy than my exAbf. I didn't start this way, but even though my break happened two days ago, I still cannot see any real forgiveness for myself- not in the slightest. I haven't eaten since Sunday afternoon. I can't hardly sleep. This is worse than when we first broke up.
One thing I realized today is that the original break of the relationship was all on him. I could have walked away without remorse for my own actions. But my Codi tendencies are so strong that I kept engaging and through frustration and pain lashed out with brilliant anger. And now, I can take all the responsibility on and feel all that pain and remorse. I have been working for three months on being healthier and was doing so well. I get back with him for three days and spiral to a new low. Where to go from here?
