Me too, Back2SQ1, 3+ decades of addiction. And now I only quit cuz my guts is rotting and infected and maybe even cancerous. Pain of drinking for me has long time already exceeds any pleasure I get from it. But still I tries to drink AGAIN! Is just pure manic brain compulsion. Crazy brain is unstoppable! I never never can has stimulant of any kind and I know this but keep testing, cuz, it NOT BOOZE, you know, and lot of alcoholics enjoys they caffeine. And I does too, cuz without I turn into zombie borg, is very very hard hard choice. Is untenable.
Bunny, I hope I also maybe tiring of "testing death." I always has been first one to ride crazy dirtbike trail, or tightrope balance over little tree fallen across raveen, or go over ice that not solid. Is half because I want to show off and prove I tough and brave, and half cuz I total detach from notions of death or life. I still upset that I not attempt Hill of Death today, even though I know would have been crazy.
Also today I talk to Maggie, my surrogate momma on hospice care. She very out of it, but she suddenly say, quite lucidly, "Am I really dying, or is this just a dream?" I could only say, "yes." She in the twilight, and I total understand cuz I in the twilight with her. Whether is because I drinking or ailing or crashing my way down Hill of Death, life not ever really real to me. I surreal unto my self.