Sounds all too familiar. I went through YEARS of such misery, then through YEARS of trying to keep alcohol in my life one way or another. Got progressively worse and eventually accepted there's no moderation for me. It's such a relief and freedom to have the drinking and the moderation tortures behind!
I wish you an easier road. Stay here, post a lot and read a lot, you will find a lot of support here and a lot of similarities in our stories. Best of luck!
