I relate to the loss of control drinking. I relate to the blackouts/uncontrolled behavior as well.
The worst part for me is the *hazy* memories of the last blackout i had...The pieces of memory. It involved being taken in an ambulance and a hospital for a few hours. I do NOT remember the majority of it.
Where you say *I can sometimes drink in control* sounds dangerous to me.
That's what i was trying to hold on to as well...I've had many sober days in the past 110 (101 on my last count.)
But during those 9 days where i *tried controlled drinking*
I was A) Sent home from work for being intoxicated (Twice!)
B) Blacked out and awoke in a hospital
It's clearly Russian roulette. You MIGHT get by with a day of drinking. It MIGHT not harm you that day. Or it could kill you...Or get you in trouble with the Law.
These are just my own experiences lately. I have a severe allergic reaction to alcohol. I'm an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol.
If you identify as an alcoholic. It is NOT worth the RISK to drink again!