So I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. Normally this is not the place where I would want to talk about “relationship problems” but unfortunately it’s directly affecting my level of emotional sobriety, and I’m worried that if I make the wrong decision, it could affect my physical sobriety as well.
Been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a great guy. We are currently engaged. He is a “normie”, not an alcoholic, and met me when I was still drinking. He has stuck with me through a lot of really rough times and chaos as you can imagine.
He’s a good man with a good heart. But I don’t feel a physical/emotional/mental/spiritual connection with him, whatsoever. We have completely different interests, and we rarely communicate other than surface level. I don’t think we’ve ever had an intellectual conversation, something that “sober Mrrryah” craves and thrives off of.
Unfortunately, I was deep in my addiction when I first met him, and was, to be bluntly honest, looking for somebody who could take care of me. And he fit the bill. And he has done so now, for 2.5 years. Financially supported me, given me everything, helped me, and many times kept me from going completely off the wall with my drinking/drugging.
He’s supportive of my recovery and attendance at AA meetings. He has no interest in self improvement (for himself) or spiritual growth or anything along those lines, but he encourages me to do whatever it takes for me to stay sober.
I’m only 41 days sober today, and I’m having these overwhelming feelings of guilt, and as though I’m doing something so wrong by continuing this relationship, knowing that the physical/emotional/mental/spiritual connection just isn’t there for me. When I sober up, I have a more clear perspective of things, and I feel like I entered this relationship for all the wrong reasons – for money, and a caretaker. I feel a moral discomfort in my stomach when I start to think about it, and I’ve had many sleepless nights and nightmares stressing over this situation.
I have thought I felt a connection with him in the past - but I don't know if it was more of a "need" connection than a "want" connection. I needed him to be okay - and so I confused these feelings for truly loving him. I'm not sure, I'm very confused.
The man is hopelessly in love with me. I know this. He has flat out expressed that I am the love of his life and he will do anything to make me happy, for the rest of our lives. I know this would crush him, me breaking off the engagement and leaving him after all he’s done for me, all he’s put into this relationship. When I try and have serious talks about our relationship and how it’s going, he sincerely expresses that he thinks it’s the best relationship he’s ever had, and he is very happy to spend his life with me.
I am a complete loss about what to do with this situation. Do I give it time – and see if with my recovery/sobriety we can start to connect on a deeper level, and maybe I can reciprocate these feelings? Maybe the feelings I think I once had for him are real - maybe they will come back? Or do I let him go now, because deep down part of me feels like I’m just leading him on, and it’s wrong, and it’s not "gods will" for this relationship to continue.
The other side of the coin is that while I would like to think I will stay sober through a breakup & the financial stress our separation would cause me, it’s likely that this will be a huge trigger, and I will have nobody at home to hold me accountable anymore. It terrifies me.
I really hope you all don’t think I’m an awful person right now, after reading this. I’m so scared to make the wrong decision. Does anyone else have a similar experience or some advice for me?
