Originally Posted by
MsGrace 
Thanks for your comments and you are right of course. We have chosen to NOT get me involved with this child until we can figure it out. We both felt it wasn't fair to him to drag him through our relationship and possible breakup. So we've both done the sacrificial thing so far, and I just don't see him when he has his son. I think I'm needing to feel like our lives won't be constant chaos with her...before I can decide to take it on. But we've dated for a year, and it's time to decide if it's workable...or move on.
I think you two made a great decision.
I took on a lot, when I was very young, with my husbands's child and extended family. I wish I had the wisdom and knowledge of Alanon and SR back then. It was so difficult and I'm shocked our marriage survived. I did so much wrong, had no boundaries and was over-involved. You and your guy have a great foundation already.
I know my role now is just to 100% unconditionally love that child (even though he is now grown!). It is my husbands job to deal with all the other junk, including the extended family. I of course support him, but my job is just to love the kiddo. And that has been great for me and great for the kiddo. I get all the fun actually.
Keep in mind that there may be a disconnect with you and the child because you haven't met. It probably is difficult to see them as an individual that is separate from the chaos of their mom.
Only you can decide. Can you maintain your boundaries and will he support those boundaries? I think a great counselor would be so beneficial.
Good luck!