how do I get to the right decision so I CAN be clear this is a role I'm willing to take on?
I think that's very difficult to know.
looking into a future of perpetual crisis management does not look like what I'd like for whatever time I have left on the planet. I can't possibly know what specific challenges the child himself will have...I don't know him at this point.
When I read this, I totally understand that you are hesitant. I would be, too. Heck, I don't even understand how I'm gonna put up with my own kids some days, and I gave birth to the buggers.
You don't know what challenges this child will present. You don't know what joys either. You don't know what challenges
life will present. And I think there may be such a thing as fearing challenges so much that we cut ourselves off from the possibility of joy?
I've found that I'm so afraid of
more pain that I avoid a lot of things because I don't want more pain.
I still think that it's perfectly OK to say you can't take this on -- but I would also hate for you to give up on a good relationship out of fear of something that may or may not happen?
It's a bit like (excuse the comparison) adopting an abused dog, you know you'll likely have problems with the dog at least initially. But you can get a purebred dog from a reputable breeder and the dog can get hit by a car or develop brain cancer or something -- and then you'll still have a problem. Do you think you're afraid of "losing control" over your life now that you've finally arrived at a place of peace and serenity?
I know I'm not helping but I totally understand where you're coming from.