Feeling crappy
I go between having really good days and epically bad days. I think right now it is epically bad because my monthly visitor is here and I ALWAYS get super emotional, depressed, and irrational. I actually have a diagnosis of PMDD (think PMS on steroids).
A couple of days ago, I felt good, actually LOVING toward RAH. He was laying on the couch and I asked him to scoot back and we just lied there together. I cant tell you the last time I wanted to be even REMOTELY physically close to him. Over the last many years I have been physically repulsed by him, actually.
I have been doing things. I have re started Couch to 5 K. I have started yoga. I go to Al Anon and CoDA. I started with a new therapist on Monday that works with trauma/PTSD survivors and am going to be starting EMDR soon. I have gone to a couple sessions at the local DV place. But its not "enough" and I feel like crap about it. I was "supposed" to wake up early yesterday and run. But I slept poorly the night before and didn't wake up in enough time..............therefore I am irresponsible and terrible. I was supposed to run today too, but I got so busy.............yes, terrible irresponsible person again too. I did not want to get up and go to CoDA today, but I did.
I have been feeling awful and resentful yesterday evening and today about RAH. Jealousy really. All he had to do was say he needed help and his mother got him right into rehab and from there the rehab set him up with all the services he would ever need. The same does not exist for mental health. There ARE residential places, but insurance does not cover them. There are no 3 or 6 month IOPs if you just have a mental illness. And that makes me hopping mad. And the resentment that "everything I have gathered right now I have had to do flying by the seat of my pants and this was all handed to you." Yep. Know its not right or make sense, but that's where I am.
Also resentful of the fact that all it seems like he does is sleep, play video games, and go to IOP or meetings, while I am going to work, going to therapy, going to meetings, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the dogs, etc.
Our house is in foreclosure and we are fighting it in the courts. RAH has decided he wants to move forward with the case. I could care less really. The ONLY thing I have asked him to do is make ONE phone call to the lawyer to figure out what we need to do next. I simply do not have time to do this. And guess what? I ended up taking care of that today too because the lawyer called me.
And he sprang on me at the last minute a lunch with his parents. I had a lot of other things going on today and really didn't want to go, but it was free food. I should have stuck to my guns. I cannot be around his mother. At all. She is such a trigger for me. He HAS told her to stop calling and texting me though, which I appreciate. I don't think I will EVER be able to be around his mother or sister at all, ever again.