I have to say Leshar. although I admire your commitment to your psych, I feel your posts might mean you should seek out monitored care, if you could - you said so yourself.
I think a shower is a huge effort when you are chronically depressed and in a deep state of hopelessness and mental isolation. Please call the ER if you can. Or a helpline to reach out. Isolating in your own tangled thoughts now just feels really dangerous.