NyQuil made me feel like I relapsed?
HAHA - okay. I think this is ridiculous that I'm even posting this.
This weekend I made some dumb decisions. I didn't pick up a drink or a drug, but I engaged in some behaviors that violated my own moral code. Yesterday, being Sunday, I was feeling extremely shameful about it. And I stress that I was feeling shame - not guilt. Feeling like I am a bad person, not just that I engaged in a bad behavior.
So I was feeling terrible and my mind wouldn't stop spinning a million miles a minute but I was exhausted. So I went to the pharmacy and picked up a bottle of Nyquil cough medicine (doesn't have any alcohol in it, but has sleepy time meds). Drank half of the bottle (probably about double the normal dosage). Didn't feel any sort of buzz or high obviously, but got tired pretty quickly, and then went to bed & fell asleep.
Today I feel like I made a huge mistake and sort of like I relapsed. Obviously my intentions were not good - trying to escape my problems by taking a substance to force sleep. I didn't have a cold, and while I felt like "crap" both emotionally, mentally, which was translating into physical "crap" feeling, my intentions were not pure.
I also feel like this might be my sneaky alcoholism - it wants me to think "Oh - I've relapsed now! Back on day 1! Might as well make it a good one!"
Self sabotage at its finest? Or was this actually a relapse? Yeesh.
I never expected to feel so guilty and wierd about taking friggin COUGH SYRUP. And as stupid as I feel even posting this, it's what's on my brain and I needed to get it out.
If I had known how my mind would be treating the incident today, I honestly never would have picked it up in the first place. If I'm gonna feel this guilty I might as well drink.
Thoughts?