Sosad, I constantly texted my ah to tell him I loved him and was here for him, that I would give him time to figure things out, then when I got annoyed or angry I'd tell him I wanted nothing to do with him that he was on his own, he would never reply and within a day or a few hrs I'd be apologising for what I said and how I'm here if he needs me that I love him. I did this for months nearly 7 actually, I was driving myself mad, I kept hoping that he would tell me baby I'm going to give this up right now il go to rehab whatever it takes so I can come home. I never got it all I got was mixed messages I do love you, I want to be with you I might try and stop or I'm preparing or my heads all over the place, please give me time. What he learned was I will react at times but coming running back, no matter what he does I will be here waiting for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it. I taught him that through my behaviour.
I listened to the same bullsh*t a few nights ago, 5 actually and it hit me I'm done I can't keep doing this to myself, every time I contact him about us I end up in tears, I constantly pick at the scabs of my wounds. He says all the right things to keep me hooked then when he thinks I think he is actually going to get help this time he pushes me away and I RUN AFTER HIM EVERY TIME just wanting to waiting for him to give me hope that we will be ok.
We won't be ok Our marriage is over but I will be, working on myself is hard but there are light bulb moments where I feel some relief to the pain. I haven't contacted him and I won't any contact is about our kids and that is minimal and the last few days I've dreaded when my phone goes in case it is him, strange turn of events.
You will get through this, you will become stronger each day as you focus on your own recovery. Tight hugs