LightInside -
I can't even express in words how much hope your thread has given me. I am sitting here at 5:21 in the AM, wondering for the quintillionth time why my abusive XAH gets to have someone special in his life while I struggle thru every day, just trying to keep an even keel and make connections out there in the world.
I am in Codependents Anonymous (almost 4 months now) and am laboring through the 4th Step with some fellow codies. I am exercising regularly. I keep contact with the XAH to a bare minimum even though we have 2 kids together (11 and 14). Last night I got the pleasure of dropping by his place so he could give me daughter a corsage for her very first homecoming. Of course, the GF had to be there. I didn't even engage in THAT dynamic. I just told my DD I had to run to the gas station and would be back in 5 minutes and left. Thinking of them, both pleasantly just sitting there together, watching TV and holding each other, both enraged me and saddened me.
But your post reminded me that despite all that, things for me are better. I'm better. Not where I want to be, but better. I am going to meetings. I am keeping my head up. Next month, the kids and I are going on a long weekend downstate for a craft fair and some country relaxation. I am repairing the relationship with myself and those with my family that I abandoned to cater to the needs of an abusive, controlling alcoholic. I am reading in your post some of the things that I am doing and realize that....HEY.....I am actually making progress. Slow, but progress. And I can be proud of that even if no one else is. Someday, WAY in the future, maybe I can find my special someone. But first....
I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF.
So thanks. I wasn't counting my blessings this morning and now I am.