Yes, Hammer, my drinking was scary for a little bit, but it's my truth. And I am all about The Truth. I started to wonder if I'm an A. I steered (mostly) clear of it until I was 24 and then became very immersed in a drinking musical subculture. My thing with alcohol is that I'm pretty all or nothing about it. I'm either drinking frequently or I'm not-drinking. I had no problem giving it up while pregnant, didn't want a drop of it for the first 3 months after the breakup. My issue is that I don't drink just one drink. I see no point if I'm not going to get drunk. Another issue is, if it's in sight, I want it. And another issue: if I say yes tonight, then why not tomorrow night and the next? If I drink because it's Saturday night, why not because it's Monday and Mondays suck? Sounds quite Alcoholic-y, huh?
The difference, I think, is that I miss it for three days or so, then I kinda stop caring. I see it and think, "Ooh, that craft beer looks interesting! But I'm not drinking now."
I've used alcohol as breakup medication before and then slowed it down. The thing is, I get very self destructive when I get rejected, in more ways than drinking. I've never fully healed from all the rejections before.
That points to my biggest and most real disease. I am a relationship/love addict. It is the sickest part of me. My drinking feels different from that addiction. I don't need to work a program to stay away from the drink, but I don't think I'll ever have Serenity in terms of my LA without a program.
I haven't completely ruled out the possibility that I'm an A. If I decide that I can't stay away, then I know where to f@&king go!
Right now I'm shooting for 6 months, then a reevaluation. If you're worried about me, please pray for me.
I honestly don't know and I hope I'll have the grace and humility to admit if I truly have a problem.