I originally started writing this thread as a response to a post by someone whose A chose alcohol over her. Many people responded with the similar stories and feelings. My response got longer and longer, so I just thought I'd share my message of hope with everyone who chooses to click on it.
Hello to all of you broken hearted people. Guess what. It happened to me too. My X and I, I believe, could have had a great relationship. He too was my best friend. Was. He "made me" feel better about myself than anyone else in my life ever had. By the time he was finished with me, he had "made me" feel worse about myself than I ever imagined I could feel ever again (abusive childhood here). We have a child together too.
Early on, I told him I felt like alcohol was The Other Woman. Now, looking back, I know that alcohol was his true love since he was 17 and
I was The Other Woman, distracting him from his primary relationship that whole time. He manipulated the situation to make it seem like he only drank because "relationships are oppressive," but when I look at actions, not words, I see that he, in essence left so he could drink. Actually, he was willing to blame the drinking on anything but the dreadful fact that he has a real disease that he would be better off getting treated.
Here's the silver lining: I found my resources. Recovery is extremely hard as a single mom with sole custody, especially when you can only afford legal advice from an attorney and have to do the brunt of the work on your own. It has been 14 months since the breakup, but only about 8 months since I moved out of the family home and he moved back in. Not a day goes by that I don't miss the good version of him. Sometimes I get hopeful that we could be together again, especially now that he just finished IOP and he still has 6 months of Relapse Prevention ahead, then some other treatment stuff. On the other hand, he has some serious sh1t to sort out, he's (to the best of my knowledge)slept with a bunch of women, and he was abusive. How could I love myself and make myself vulnerable to that sh1t ever again? Really. How could I make myself that vulnerable while loving myself? Especially when odds are that I could find someone who really loves me and isn't already married to Lady Liquor?
My whole point though is that
It gets easier. I truly mean that. After the break up, I wanted to die, everything reminded me of him. I felt like my whole body was a burning knot all the time, I felt worthless and ugly. I had a hard time enjoying my son because the sadness was so overwhelming (and he reminded me of his dad and how I wanted a partner to parent with.
It got better though. Here are some things I did to eventually feel better.
I was already in therapy and kept going.
I saw my doctor and we decided that antidepressants are right
for me, at this time.
Very limited contact with X (We can't go all the way NC because we share or son).
Limited contact with his family and friends.
More contact with My family and friends (You find who you can really count on to meet you where you're .at).
I made new friends -positive people who want to learn and grow and be responsible and loving. Al Anon
SR
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Domestic violence support program and group
Relocating and removing as many reminders of X as I could (difficult to do when you have a child together.
Prayer
Work with sponsor
Affirmations.
My secret Facebook mom group where we all try not to judge, but talk about or joys and frustrations as moms
Single parent Meetup group (Have to be careful not to fall into "meat market" habits with that).
This is is just my list, but maybe there is something on it that could help others.
The pain does lessen. Baby steps, work, and time. I do not feel totally good yet, but I feel SO MUCH BETTER. People told me at the being, "He did you a favor," and "You don't want your son growing up with that." At first I knew it in my head, but more and more, I am feeling it with my heart. I don't have someone hurting my feelings every day, and my son doesn't see or hear his day telling at Mommy and blaming her for his miserable home life. My son is a happy-go-lucky 2 yo who feels secure, loves himself, is grateful (as grateful as a 2 yo can be), and we are attached in a healthy way. He expresses his feelings as well as a 2 yo can (better actually). He makes me laugh and swell with pride every day.
That is one of my foci now.
The other focus is me. I'm just starting to pat myself on the back for making the best of the sh1t sandwich I've been handed. I've pulled things together as best as I could while trying to heal myself. Some days I felt so very stuck. Sometimes I panicked. Sometimes I literally thought the pain would kill me or that II would hurt acutely for the rest of my life. I self medicated with alcohol for about 9 of the last 14 months, but I'm done with that and have 27 sober days today [How lucky am I that I can just decide to quit and stay committed to that?]. I'm feeling more positive,energetic, and cared for now. Sometimes I think I might even be beautiful. Raising this kiddo on my own is no small undertaking and I'm kicking a$$ at it. I went through the court process of protecting my son from X's irresponsibility, mostly pro se. I've learned how to set boundaries and stick to them. I have had to "sit on my hands" a lot to keep my side of the street clean and not say our do anything I'd regret. I've had slips and I've learned to be compassionate with myself when I have them. There have been people who weren't exactly compassionate when I slipped. I can't count on it from anyone but myself , though its nice when I do get it from others.
I'm not all the way better yet [I'm sure no one ever really is], but I know I can get even better because I've already come so far. The good days outnumber the bad now. my son because the sadness was so overwhelming.
Peeps, if
I can do it, you can too.
