Whenever I relapsed I think that boredom had something to do with it. I couldn't stand the feeling of having nothing to do with myself. It would bring on this crazy anxiety and pouring wine down my throat almost felt like I was putting out a fire inside of me. I usually felt instant regret, but I didn't seem to have any other coping skills when anxious and bored.
Learning to live with this feeling was one of the hardest things I overcame. The thing that helped me more than anything was to do something positive, although getting myself up to doing it was a major ordeal. AA and Celebrate Recovery were so incredibly helpful at that point in my recovery. I had to push myself (hard!) to get to a meeting, but when I did, that anxious, bored feeling invariably disappeared. I felt better, stronger, more able to get through the day. I went to meetings where I literally had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other as I left my house, drove, walked in the room, sat down. But by the end of the meeting I always was glad I had gone.
The equation looked like this:
Staying sober but super anxious + wine = REGRET AND DEPRESSION
Staying sober but super anxious + meeting = RELIEF AND PEACE
It was that simple. Eventually, I learned more coping skills, found activities I loved to fill my days, and I've been sober now for over six years. While I still feel bored and anxious on occasion, drinking never even enters my mind as a solution. I hope this helps a bit...don't beat yourself up too much over your lapse...it happens to everyone. You haven't blown it...just dust yourself off and get back on the wagon. Look online for meetings...they are usually available all day and night. If you have child care issues, there were ways to deal with them...ask a friend to watch your kids for an hour (most people will help you for an hour!). Celebrate Recovery meetings usually have childcare available (plus the meetings are usually really fun, music, food, support. They are, however, Christian meetings, just as an fyi...).
You CAN do this!!