Thanks everyone. I haven't contacted him and I don't plan to. My first reaction was to come here to SR and write it out then I thought with my head and thought about what it would achieve.....and my answer.....nothing except upset for me and anger, feeling a lot of that recently!! This is my fear talking, fear of what I don't know, still working on that.
Your right this is where he wants to be if he didn't he'd be here trying to get sober and I know I don't want the ah he had turned into. He has changed so much the man I knew would never behave as selfishly and thoughtless with me or the kids even when he has left before so he could drink. He always made time to see the kids, helped me out with them, made sure I was ok for money etc, now he's no where to be seen and just looking out for himself. Is this part of the progression of this disease??
One thing I have noticed is that when I'm exhausted emotionally and physically these types of thoughts are more frequent and harder to deal with so usually I just react and think later. This week especially I am thinking before I react, completely new for me and hard to put into practice but I am trying and very determined.
Thank you everyone