Butterfly, stay strong. What you have always done in the last has not made your life better. You say right here reaching out has never brought you anything but more pain and shame. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. You are learning how to live with your feelings without acting on them. Each time you manage to work through the short term pain you get back continued strength in spades.
Also...the idea that he is floundering around out there feeling unloved and unsupported...honey, that is not him. Right now, for a moment, that is you projecting that feeling onto him. He is where he wants to be, and he is fine. Take care of you.