The last few days have been a real eye opener for me and my relationship with my separated AH. The anger I never seemed to be able to feel hit full force on Sunday. It was recommended that I read a thread about the intermittent chicken, which I did, but I was also texting ah he had been telling me he was sorry he told me to leave him along a few days previously, that he was f****** up and he was on his 4th day drinking binge, he sent me a picture of. A card I had given him years ago about love and said this is how I feel about you. It was during this I read the intermittent chicken and I suddenly realised that was me, I feel so happy when he says he loves me and wants to be with me, when he says he's considering rehab and reading all the material I had given him in an effort to prepare to stop then I get nothing, it's go away, come back, go away, come back and me being the fool I am let it continue this way!!
Anyway my anger has continued to increase over the last few days, I have even smashed photo frames with pictures of us (which is a real shame, it was a beautiful photo frame). So today I find out that he is considering going away on holiday and it hit me he has no intention of seeking help and stopping drinking any time soon, which I told him only to be told that his views on giving up change every day and when he tells me things it gives me hope and how that isn't fair on either of us!! Well I flipped not fair on either of us was he being serious, he walks out drinks and does what he wants having a ball, talking of going on holiday, yet telling dd he's not and how he has no money but it's not fair on him!!
I told him that I know now that he doesn't love me, not the way I deserve to be loved and wasn't going to get help. I was done waiting for him and when I told him I didn't regret it, didn't say it to get a reaction from him or get him to realise he could lose me or any other reason I have said things like this previously, I MEANT IT! I don't think I realised I meant it until I actually said it and strangely I'm ok. I didn't cry or text him when he didn't reply asking so I take it what I said was true, as I usually would and I have no intention of contacting him tomorrow or a few days time to tell him I didn't mean it, which I have also done!! I seriously mean it and I don't feel as angry anymore??
I don't really understand this feeling or maybe it's a lack of feeling or maybe once I said it I actually realised that I am done waiting for him, that I won't put up with the I love you, I have to do something, I'm not completely lost yet, I don't know whether I want to or can stop drinking or if I will even try and all the other quacking!! Is this acceptance?
This is how ah has kept me hooked, little tiny bits of affection and messages about how f***** up he is and he is preparing to give up drinking!! All gave me hope, well no more, I think I feel relief, I have taken control and made a decision based on what's best for me, for the first time in a very long time!!
I have a mixture of emotions I think I am feeling but not entirely sure but one thing I am not feeling is regret or panic about what I said
