Stephanie

You're doing some great work here MG and helping a lot of people in the process, that's what it's all about.

The first paragraph in your post could have been written by my mother, verbatim.

We can only teach our children what we know. You learned to withhold the truth in your childhood so that you could be safe. This is what you were taught. It's only natural that you would pass those survival skills to your children. You did the best you could with what you had. Now it's time to forgive yourself and move on. Perhaps once you forgive yourself for any issues your son has it will free you up to do the work that you deserve to do for you. Our children learn best from example really anyway.

My parents taught me to withhold the truth too not for my safety but because they couldn't handle problems very well. They worry and react and go nuts and really don't offer any good solutions. In fact they usually made it worse by blaming me or telling me that I'm going to be the death of them. Our relationship was so enmeshed as well that if something was happening to me they felt as if it was happening to them. So I grew up thinking I had to protect them from anything bad that happened in my life. I wish I had that support and comfort but I didn't.

Now I am an adult and I have done some of the work I need to do as an adult. What I have learned is that my parents did the best they could with what they had. They were not model parents but they gave me life and they took care of me until I could go out on my own. Therefore, I don't blame them for any issues I may have and if I need to share something with them, I share it, because I don't feel like I have to protect them anymore. That was there issue, not mine. I need to share with my parents, it makes me feel better. In turn, throughout the years, we have formed a good relationship but it took a lot of time and it was 1/2 my responsibility as an adult. My parents may have taught me certain behaviors, but I am an individual and I make my own choices and I need to take responsibility for those choices. They gave me a foundation but it's up to me as to what I do with it. I did a lot of work in my life to separate my self from my parents and be proud of the person I was enough to be honest with them about it. If I do get a bad reaction from them, I can overlook it a lot better now because I know it has nothing to do with me. Also many times I will tell them that what they are saying makes me feel worse and what I really need from them right now is not to be judged but just for them to listen. What I usually need is support, not financial, not physical, usually just emotional support. It gives me strength and confidence.

MG, you did the best you could and that's good enough. You're son is an adult and he has a responsibility in your relationship too.

I'm editing my post because I read your top post again and you're right, it would be so nice to be accepted by my mother instead of critisized or judged, that is of course if I am trying to do the best I can in my life, not if I am working on destroying it.