I know that right now you're in the shaking, scared place. I've been there. I am sober right now because of a blackout experience this summer which really frightened me.
What I just noticed, reading your thread, is that during your blackout, you got angry and violent with your partner, and threw him out of the house. Then, in a later post, you note "it may cost me my relationship."
What is so odd about that for me is that during my blackout, I also got angry and violent with my partner (who - consciously - all was going well with). Then when I came to the realization that I needed to never drink again, and that I needed to embark on recovery, he sat down next to me and popped a beer and I suddenly KNEW that this choice would likely cost me my relationship.
I struggled with that for weeks - abstaining for some days, then joining him in drinking. Being very very careful about how much I drank so that I didn't black out, then feeling defeated the next day. Finally, a couple of weeks after the blackout, I sat down with him, told him I was choosing complete sobriety, invited him on the journey. He said "no" and I said "with love, you've got to go."
It hadn't been a long, long relationship, so I wasn't deeply entrenched, but we were living together and I loved him.
Now, just a month and a half after his leaving (and a little over two months away from that terrifying black out experience), I wonder if my subconscious knowing that in order to grow I was going to have to break the relationship was what emerged during that blackout. Otherwise it makes no sense. The blackout yes - alcoholism is progressive. It becomes physically unpredictable. But why would I freak out on this man that I was in love with? When my self-control disappeared, and my feral blackout self emerged, why was it anger and violence against this person?
Anyway - those are things that I've wondered about since.
I am delighted to be sober and in recovery. I don't feel horror and shame at the memory of that black out anymore, because it was the MOMENT that my life changed.
I miss my fella, but to be honest, I am feeling fulfilled and proud and happy, and I only miss him once in a while.
I go to AA, and that has been a great choice for me.
Hang in there, sister. No matter what, you never have to have a blackout again. Never. Ever.
In the weeks that followed that blackout experience for me, I was just so utterly grateful that I didn't drive, kill someone, etc. If I was that full of suppressed rage, and so out of control to myself, I could have done anything. I (and you) could have woken up the next day to a LIFETIME in PRISON for murder!! Seriously. Terrifying.
Never. Ever. Again.