gosh thought it was about time i posted on my own thread and then realised ihavent been here since february!!!!
obviously posting through other people's posts.
mmm so where am i tonight.
well to be honest i have been drinking, havent done so for a bit, but then there has been a bit happening for me.
life, kids, work, breathing and then my mum died. one side of me says '**** happens" the other says, i dont know how to deal with this.
so just for tonight i am being bad and being naughty, i am drinking. when i was drinking in the past i rang mum and dad. i dont feel i can now, i cant ring my mum.
i havent cried about mum's passing since she did (15th march)
before i thought that was because i was the first to be told what was happening, i had to make the life decisions regarding resucitation etc on behalf of dad, so i had all that, and then when it didnt work i had to tell dad and my brother that she had gone.
then affter all that i (being the woman) had to organise the funeral, etc etc etc
maybe now i am hitting the wall about her passing. she and i were not close but we understood each other. yet when we talked we were close.
NOW i am **** scared (sorry for language) she is going to come and haunt ME because i did something wrong about the funeral etc. dad said we did well, i have heard the audio tape of the service and what we said of her, what i said of her, the family and friends have said it was wonderful, but i dont know what she thinks.
there are times when i have to tell people that it is like telling someone elses story.
i have read others messages about missing their mums after so many years, at this time i dont think i will, she was mum, she was there now she is not and in time i will think of her as having being. am i wrong not to feel the emotion others express.
or will that come?
i am lost, and of course i have been drinking (sorry)
but hey i had fill my diary - time to make a post, sitting here thinking allowed in writing while the people around me give ME grief about drinkign and wanting ciggarettes. if life comes down to that i want to say " get stuffed" and i know even though mum and i were not close, if i could ring her tonight and tell her what is happening, she would say "tell them to get stuffed"
so i shall, thanks for reading and nice to be back
kath