Happiest man on earth
Broken, beaten, downtrodden, defeated to say the least at the bottom looking up. At times, I contemplated just ending it all, I had severe metal issues, it wasn't unusual to drink 1.75 ML of vodka a day, or drink 20 to 30 beers a day.
I @#$@# hated life, I hated me and I hate being " crazy", I hated the anxiety, I hated the despair, panic attack, alcohol, gambling, smoking, alcohol, gambling, smoking and etc. The most unholy of trinities, I have over 6 figures in gambling debt still, liver problems, lost a job I love and still haven't quite made my back rent for this month. Sucks right?
You know what it doesn't suck! It doesn't suck not even a little, this is defining moment in my life. As Winston Churchill put it this is my " finest moment"..... I was hearing voices, panic attacks, drinking myself silly everyday smoking like a chimney and thought to myself, slow death or fast death Jeremy? That's scary, but I know so many of us go through that, its a bad place!
One day, after thinking the TV reporter was talking to me ( a story I haven't told), after walking through a field and being told by voices that " the answer was in that field" I was going to check out or get better. I decided, with the help of my friends here it was time to check in not check out. There is, always will be, and NO MATTER THERE IS HOPE!
I quit the drink, I shook, I stammered, I was confused and hurting, I thought what the hell! I thought why did I start, and why in the world should I stop, I was sweating and in pain. Temptation almost overwhelmed me for so many days, but I kept a hold of that hope. The hope, I could have what others have, sobriety and a better place!
Well my friends, I got medicated, quit the drink, went through hell and back, quit smoking and everyday I hold onto my sobriety by a thread. I am beating this, we can beat this friends, I WILL NEVER GO BACK! So grateful for my friends here and all I've learned so many intelligent and sober folks.
I told myself last week I was going to be positive no matter what, I told myself life can be negative or positive and that is a decision I make. Many before me have been through far worse and survived and come out ahead, I can seize on what they did, or feel sorry for me. Well my experiment in the positive has been such a blessing, I've relived so much stress, looking ahead, the past hurts, but like the cliche says it can't be changed.
So I am farting rainbows, kiss leprechauns, suffering at times still from urges, but controlling how I feel, controlling what I can control and for the first time ever I am owning me! Medicated, alive, owning life, loving life, and spewing positive like I didn't know what it was, because for awhile I didn't! Good day folks, if I could impart any message right now, own today, own you, you can and will do this, and I want you to fart rainbows and kiss leprechauns too. Its day to day for me still, but having a few friends come along makes the journey so much better!