Katie, I felt that way often and then felt guilty for feeling that way. I think that out emotions don't quite know what to do with all this.
I too had to step back and let my adult son choose his own path, however bad that choice might be.
Until I did that, I too became sick, soul sick and physically sick and I knew that I had to change or die trying to save my son...whose saving was never mine to do.
If you can find meetings and go to them I think they may help, Katie. It will help you regain your balance and your health.
Hugs