Buckets of abuse as a child
So I've stuck around and am still reading every post and I find it very interesting how we became the way we all are. All fabulous in our codependency. I realize now from all of you - even though I've had years of therapy I. The past - that this all stems from the massive amounts of abuse I endured as a child. I have actually never had anyone love me except my son.
I was harshly emotionally physically mentally verbally abused my entire life by my mother. I was raped when I was 16 and it resulted in a pregnancy and her response was "I can't believe you spread your legs and let some guy put his d@@@ in you". She forced me to have an abortion which given my own choice is what I would have done anyway but still. It's so fresh in my mind after 22 years. She told me not to try out for cheerleading bc I know I won't make it. I should set my goals realistically. My 16th bday some friends wanted to take me out. She agreed. When they got to my house to pick me up she said I couldn't go. On and on and on. 7th grade I was abused so badly I sat down and cried hysterically everyday in classes so bad they put me in the hall bc I was disturbing the class. No help. No one tried to see what was wrong. No one cared. They still don't. I have been abandoned by my father before I was a year old. He know how abusive she was and he left me there.
Story of my life. I could go on for days. Not that good things haven't happened too but not very many. My son Is my world and always has been. At least I have that. Of course getting knocked up at 18 by a man who beats me and verbally abuses me didn't help but no worries he left and began to fight me for our son. Year in and year out he drug me through court. CPS would investigate I would be found not only a fit mother but a very good mother. Over and over again for years and years. Never allowing me to get on my feet. Keeping me down and broke.
Anyway. Way off topic...or not. I don't know. I'm just reflecting. Or something. I don't know what I'm doing.
Bless everyone of you for being here. Even though I'm falling back down the rabbit hole with AH I have a rope this time. Oh and I built a platform. Hopeful but realistic. Watching actions not listening to words with AH. And I'm standing on the platform. I can still see the light.
Thanks for the listen.
Mischa <3