Originally Posted by
NotSoIvory 
No matter how much I drink, I will always, always, always want more. It is such a short term mask, creating a downward spiral in the rest of my life. Even the effects I seek are probably only valid for a small percentage of the time when you consider the rest of the time is either spent in a futile struggle to try to maintain some kind of "control" as to not make a fool out of myself in a drunken haze, time forgotten or fuzzy from blackouts (looking back, so much life wasted there), or time spent feeling dreadful and recovering from the prior night's "medication" session.
So can relate NSI! I am waking up a little and realizing just how much time I wasted on a daily basis, both drinking and recovering. And trying to control it at social functions--the worst, and it usually didn't work or if it did, I'd leave as soon as possible to get properly wasted alone. Good for you for treating yourself!! Sometimes buying a little something really helps me. The other day I bought a new lipgloss and eyeshadow on the spur of the moment because I was feeling low. Now I have them to enjoy instead of a hangover. Exercise always helps. I'm sure the endorphins have something to do with it. Congrats on staying sober!! Please update.
So today I feel hungover on Day 6. How is that possible? Headache, feel like I got run over by a truck, guilt even though I didn't drink. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had this horrible dream where I was at a bar with a friend and left her sitting alone way too long to engage in my own selfish drama. She was extremely pissed when I came back. That look in people's eyes when they go cold on you because of something you did. I said sorry, but she didn't care. I felt like I had f***ed up YET AGAIN, so I might as well get good and wasted. Self-hatred, guilt, worthlessness.
This was just a dream, I know, but I have done things like that (and much, much worse) so many times and disappointed so many people. I still remember this moment when we were at a party and my husband was looking at me laughing and warm and then he spotted the vodka pint in my open purse and his eyes went completely cold. Aack.
At least it's not a real hangover. I am very grateful for that. Maybe it's just a reminder not to go back?
Also, is anyone else crying at everything? Lately I can't even watch a TV show without getting inappropriately weepy.
Have a great sober day everyone! I'm sure mine will get better, and I already feel better after writing this.