Third time lucky ?
Hi there. I'm Mcfearless. I'm male and in my late 30's.
So this won't be the first time I've attempted TOTAL sobriety. In fact this is my third.
The first time I was going through some pretty nasty stuff in my life. Not interpersonal stuff , but really nasty stuff. I was diagnosed with aneurysm in my brain and while I waited for the radiosurgery to eradicate it (which lucky for me it eventually did) over a period of 5 years I was pretty much living on borrowed time. And pretty much constantly freaked out. So I would drink myself into a stupor pretty much every evening. Wake up with the terrors of my situation and then drink myself back to sleep. I almost don't feel any shame for actions in this context.
Things eventually became so bad that the life I was living as a drunk was so undignified. I was useless to anyone. I couldn't do a valuable days work. I figured that I may as well clean myself up as the reality of dying wasn't any worse than this. So I got myself into a clinic and I sobered up pretty well for a month or two. I felt AMAZING....
...so amazing I thought I could drink sociably again. I did. Then in the evenings on my own again. Then I just slipped down a slippery slope as I grew fearful again due to have a brain angiogram to test if my radiotherapy had done its work . And.... back to rehab.
While in rehab I had some clarity (as one does when sober and tranquilised with pax and valium) that I should jump forward the brain scans and just face things head on. I did and the news was really great. I was just one step away from them cutting the shrunken aneursym out and after 5 years I could have my life back. I was so positive and happy about life they agreed to let me out after 2 weeks.
The second time I had quite a long period of sobriety. I felt amazing ! I had the brain surgery and survived it with no side effects. This 5 years nightmare of total terror was behind me ! I had a second chance at life ! Nothing could bother me now ! Heck why would I even want to drink ?
That was 2 years ago. I started drinking a year ago again. First socially because you tend to forget. Everything seems to be doing so well and you've survived worse things so why limit yourself in what you can and can't do ?
I started drinking nightly again. I'd drink a bottle of wine a day in the week and 2 or 3 beers on top of that. weekends was non stop. Mondays I'd barely survive the day at the office. I was full of anxiety constantly. I stopped looking after my appearance. I alienated all my friends. I gained weight and couldn't stand the sight of my puffy face and constant sickliness.
Up until about a month ago. I decided to ween myself off alcohol slowly. I started to keep myself to 3 or 4 beers a night. Then 2 or 3. Then to not drink during the days on the weekends. Finally this Friday I just said enough was enough. After a sleepless weekend I actually have started the week in quite a good way. In fact I've immediately started exercising and my new found energy and lack of anxiety is fantastic. In fact...
I feel amazing !
Now my point is that I've been here before. My question is does anyone else relate ? I'm sure I can go the days and nights without booze without much more than a few sleeping pills etc. It's all new and fresh and exciting to be sober now....but what when the novelty wears off ? How do people keep themselves motivated to never fall back into the trap ?
Intellectually I know I can't drink. I know if I start I don't know when to stop. I know it makes me anxious and a vile person. But I knew it the last two times too. Perhaps someone could share how they maintained this process ?
Thanks again for any responses in advance.