Help
I need help getting and staying sober. It's time I realise that. I feel awful right now. Awful. On Friday I completed a training course for a new job. We all went out to celebrate Friday evening. I stopped drinking at about 4 am this morning (Tuesday). Luckily the job doesn't start until next Monday. But it's in a different city so I have a lot to do this week and I can barely function. The job is a great opportunity but I know that if I don't stay sober I'm going to mess it up. Friday everybody started with a beer or two during the lunch break. I was able to resist and I drank water with gas instead. So glad I did because nearly everyone was drifting off etc in the afternoon. I was happy to still have my clarity and full attention. I wish I had of being able to resist that evening too. Sadly, I lost my clarity, judgement and common sense.
My stomach is killing me and I keep going from boiling hot to freezing cold. I have the shakes and that horrible sense of dread.
Although my memory is hazy about the weekend I know one thing: my behaviour was deplorable. It needs to stop now. Alcohol changes me beyond belief. It alwasy has done, this is nothing new. It changes me into a different person and I do absolutely ridiculous, careless and reckless things. I do not care when I drink. I leave a big trail of destruction in my wake.
If I know this and I have for a long time, why can't I just say 'I don't drink'? When I don't drink, I don't miss it and things start getting better and better. But then I just suddenly 'decide' I will have that wine or whisky I've just been offered. Why do I suddenly change my mind like that? I regret it every time. Twenty years of the same pattern....