I went through a couple periods of "I CANNOT TAKE THIS - but __________ is not for me!!!"
I've seen a lot of others go through it as well.
It is a common thing; to be caught between our addiction and our desire to break the cycle.
Ahhh... I feel uncomfortable. Ahh... I feel out of place.... Ahh.... I'm not LIKE them.... Ahhh, ick.... I want to change but not like THIS.
I feel for you, and I - like others - am here for you.
But in order to change, you will need to change.....