Originally Posted by
searching peace 
He is an alcoholic and abusive, he has anger issues and depression. He has been drinking and has not taken his medicine in a long time. He blames me for all of his problems. He was arrested the night before my daughter graduated high school in May for domestic violence. And he will never forgive me for that. I have given all of myself to him and to this marriage. But nothing I do is enough or good enough. I have tried everything I told him I would so anything to save our marriage. If I have given all I have to give and it still isn't good enough then I will never be good enough. All I have ever wanted is my husband. I have forgiven everything he has done. I don't want a life without him and he doesn't want a life with me. How can I love someone unconditionally with everything I have and them not care if I live or die and think I am nothing. I tried so hard to make him happy. I brought him coffee and ok in bed every morning we were together. I tried to show him how much I love him but he always found fault with me and would blame me for things that I didn't do. I just don't see any point. If I have my all and it wasn't enough, I'll never be enough.
I have been where you are. Abuse is insidious. It will creep into your thoughts, actions, behaviors and mindset and destroy you. Eventually their voice becomes your voice, the voice in your head. Maybe the voice that was there all along but it became validated and stronger. That we are not enough, we are less than, etc.
This is ********.
When I wanted to "just not be here anymore", it was because I felt powerless and helpless with my AH whom I felt didn't love me (he said as much!). But when you "just don't see a point", please know that is not about your life. You are worth every good thing that could come your way. You are NOT deserving, nor is anyone, of abuse or mistreatment of any kind.
I wished so much that I could love my AH out of his disease. But he is sick. He cannot fully appreciate nor reciprocate my love for him. My disease tells me that this isn't true - if I just did x or y or z it would work, he would want to change. But it's not about me. If you were able to do something to get your AH sober and stop being abusive, there probably wouldn't be the boards here at SR, because I dare say collectively we've tried it all.
There's a reading in al anon literature somewhere that says something like, "we expect the ones who hurt us to be the ones who heal us." That we can't get bread at the hardware store. This is so frustrating and hard to accept! Just last week I had to realize that myself.
Thank you for posting here and I do hope you are able to find a support system near you, whatever that looks like.
Hugs.