I think so many people here know exactly what you are going through, and how you are feeling.. I know I myself could have written your post. Perhaps I even did.
I remember the times I slept in the garage in my car with the doors locked. Oh how I wanted to just put a hose into my car with the exhaust and just end it. It didn't work though, lol. I would feel like that for days, still sleeping in my car....
Then one day, I got out of the car, I was still in the deepest depression, still looking at the abyss, but something was different.
I had given up the hope that I could change anything but me. Wow, I couldn't figure that one out. I did have hope, and now all hope is gone, and I am starting to feel better. What is that about?????
The hope that I think I was feeling was expectations of another person. I lost those expectations, and I started to crawl out of the abyss that I allowed myself to get into.
You are a truly magnificent person, you just need to realize that. I see it in you. I am honored to know you, even though it is through a forum.
Thank you for reaching out tonight. It has also helped me because I was sinking into the abyss.
Let us know how you are doing, we really do care.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy