Thank you all for sharing your very personal and private thoughts and feelings. It does help. I'm still here. I have loved my STBXAH my entire life. Since I was eight years old. We have been married for six years and together a little over seven now. He has three children of his own from his first marriage and they manipulate him and play on his guilt over not being with them. He is an alcoholic and abusive, he has anger issues and depression. He has been drinking and has not taken his medicine in a long time. He blames me for all of his problems. He was arrested the night before my daughter graduated high school in May for domestic violence. And he will never forgive me for that. I have given all of myself to him and to this marriage. But nothing I do is enough or good enough. I have tried everything I told him I would so anything to save our marriage. If I have given all I have to give and it still isn't good enough then I will never be good enough. All I have ever wanted is my husband. I have forgiven everything he has done. I don't want a life without him and he doesn't want a life with me. How can I love someone unconditionally with everything I have and them not care if I live or die and think I am nothing. I tried so hard to make him happy. I brought him coffee and ok in bed every morning we were together. I tried to show him how much I love him but he always found fault with me and would blame me for things that I didn't do. I just don't see any point. If I have my all and it wasn't enough, I'll never be enough. I'm already a burden on my kids. They make comments about supporting me when they are older and taking care of me because they know no one else will and I guess they think I'll never be able to take care of myself. I don't want to be a burden on them or anyone. I wanted a family. I wanted someone to love me and want me. And I am not worthy of that. If I was God would have sent someone into my life to love me. But he brought someone into my life that rejects me and let's me know I am worthless and no one would ever want me or care for me. Does anyone think God puts some people on earth to suffer? I don't want to kill myself but I do want to die. I want to stop feeling and stop thinking and for once do something to help my kids instead of hinder them. I just don't understand. It seems like maybe I am supposed to kill myself and that is part of gods plan for my children's path. I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I have burdened all of you with my stupid selfish needs. I am not going to do anything tonight. I'm going to lay down and go to sleep. Because I don't want my kids to be the ones to find me. I truly hate myself as much as my mother and my STBXAH do. I wouldn't be my for end either. I have nothing to offer anyone. I just wish god would let me never wake up again.