ladyscribbler

Yes, I have felt what you are feeling. This may not be a popular or politically correct answer, but I have given serious consideration to ending my life. The thought crosses my mind at least once a day, and I plan out the entire scenario several times a year.
Sometimes it is the stupidest things that keep me going. Beyond my sons, who really do only have me. My oldest son asked me tonight what I would be doing if he and is brother had not been born (his birthday is coming up and we were talking generally about me giving birth to them). I told him that I would not have bothered to live.
He was incredulous, and I didn't want to glamorize suicide (despite my avatar) so I back pedaled like I was joking, but it was true.
Curiosity has kept me going. What unforeseen moments does life have in store? Thinking the whole thing through to a logical conclusion has kept me going. Who would find my body? What would that do to them? Who would have to clean up the mess?
Realism has kept me going. If I die, my older son's father already died of cancer, where will he go? Who will raise him? My younger son's father is an alcoholic. Where will he go? Who will raise him? My mom suffers from paranoid schizophrenia and I haven't been in contact with my alcoholic father for almost 20 years.
The children of parents who commit suicide are three times more likely to commit suicide than other children.
Sometimes that is all that keeps me going.
Fun fact- I told my VA doc all this and she said, "It's totally normal to have these thoughts, as long as you don't follow through everything will be OK."
Reading this, it seems less than helpful, but I just want you to know you're not alone so I will post it anyway.