How do I do this? Alone and exhausted.
So I drank on Saturday night, which lead to canceling my plans with my mom, and drinking all through Sunday morning and afternoon.
I didn't drink today...more than 24 hours later and I still feel awful. I'm very tired, bloated, lethargic, depressed. And yet I'm STILL thinking about how much I'd like to drink tomorrow night. wtf brain pattern.
My life is in SUCH A HOLE. I know that I need help but I don't know what to do. For the past year, I have been stuck in this pattern of binge drinking, stringing together a day or two dry and then binge drinking again. I've tried going to AA, but after trying several different types of meetings and locations, I never felt that I fit in, and I always felt incredibly uncomfortable. I seemed to be much younger than most of the people there (I'm 28) I also currently live in a city that's not very nice, there's a lot of crime, poverty and a significant heroin problem, so here I am showing up at an AA meeting and I just feel like "oh here I am! Sad little white girl that drinks too much!" and I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously.
I've tried speaking with a general social worker, blech, ahh, torture. Hated it.
I've tried to see an addiction specialist counselor at a local rehab, and the waiting list tremendous.
I don't have private health insurance right now, so my options are quite limited. I'm pretty broke, I don't have a car, so getting around to do anything takes FOREVER, and I don't like to go out to meetings at night because I don't live in a very safe area. Just the day in day out stress of living here, all the shame I have feeling like such a loser, the loneliness, at the end of the day alcohol often feels like the only thing that can comfort me.
I'm so unhappy with where I am in life right now, and I'm so disappointed and ashamed of myself that I really lack any motivation to get sober and stay sober. I live alone, my parents are separated, I've shunned most of my friends, I quit every volunteer effort that I've started. I basically only see my coworkers a few times a week and try to maintain some illusion of normality to them. I don't have a husband or kids or anyone for daily support or motivation.
I would greatly appreciate any advice that anyone has to share. Steps to take? Help.