Day 2. I feel 200% better today than I did yesterday. I don't want to have another day like that and I believe I have re-found that conviction that I had been searching for. I poured out the rest of the Jager and beers today.
Was doing some surfing around the internet yesterday, trying to understand a little more about relapse and I found some interesting facts. I thought that since I found some enlightenment from it, others might too.
12 triggers to relapse:
12 Triggers to Relapse
Self efficacy and staying sober:
Self-Efficacy and Staying Sober | Alcohol Rehab
I believe that complacency was probably my biggest downfall upon losing so many months of sobriety. That and being in an argumentative marriage where I often felt unimportant. Also, I have basically destroyed my self efficacy over the last year since then, causing great distrust in myself and a feeling of hopelessness. The page offered some good insights on rebuilding self efficacy little by little.
I've come to the conclusion that it is time for me to work the steps with a sponsor and that, for me, just quitting drinking and visiting meetings is not going to be enough to keep me sober in the long term. I need to uncover once and for all how to identify and address the underlying problems that caused me to seek out alcohol to begin with. I need to re-wire some of my thinking. Easier said than done, yes. But today, I have seen hope. Thank you for being there for me.
I was supposed to see my husband today for the first time in over a month. I have been practicing detachment lately. He is up to his old shenanigans, telling me he overspent and now can't afford to make it and can he borrow some money because he really wants to see me. I told him no and felt proud of sticking to my boundaries. I told him that I didn't need these kinds of things in my life, and especially not right now. Kinda reinforces the belief that sometimes things happen for a reason. I think it may be for the best that he didn't show.