Let me start by saying that addiction has always been a constant companion and accepted fact, my whole life. My whole family smokes, is riddled with a history of violent alcoholism, or other narcotics. My parents were intravenous drug users before they had kids and unfortunately both of them now have to live with hepatitis. They quit the "heavy stuff" upon becoming parents but my mom was left with an addiction to purcoset (hope I spelled that right). She wasn't a bad mom. I have fond memories of love and support and lots of good cooking. But the sickness she would experience some times, the lack of family funds and our visits to "aunt and uncle" whoever all the time, are memories I'm not as fond of now that I understand them. She got sober with methadone about 9 years ago and has been clean ever since. I myself am now a full time smoker and an avid coffee enthusiast (but I thouroghly enjoy my coffee addiction lol). To shorten up: I really dislike drugs.
I have never wanted or envisioned a future with someone who has problems with narcotics or alcohol. But things never go as planned and you can't always help who you fall in love with. My BF and I have been together almost 4 years now. He works hard and has big dreams. He is honestly a really great guy OTHER than the things I am about to share. Which is possibly a big part of why this is so hard...
We met through mutual friends and partied together a few times. He seemed very fun while he was drinking when we first met. After we started dating he quickly deduced my feelings towards drugs and was honest enough to come forward about his relapsed addiction to oxycotin, offering me the choice to leave or stay if I wanted. He was ready and willing to quit though. He had been addicted to it before and got off it with methadone which he quit on his own to and was then sober for a few years. He did quit it again and the experience of going through that with him in our fairly new relationship was a bonding one. I'm proud to say he hasn't gone back since
Sadly though, the story doesn't end there.
After he quit those, we started drinking together on weekends for something to do. I don't drink much myself but enjoy it socially when I can. Anyways, I very quickly realized that alcohol was a problem for him to. Once he started he just couldn't stop. He became someone completely different. Obnoxious, mean, delusional and just crazy. I don't know how I got through our first year, honestly. Maybe it's because he was such a good guy otherwise. When he wasn't drunk. He always felt guilty and sick for days afterwards. I felt bad for him so I always forgave. But he always found a way to do it again the next weekend (I deserve this, I have a stressful job, etc). I begged him many times not to drink that night or this night and he always just asked for my trust and promised he wouldn't over do it. I finally put my foot down. Me or the booze. It sounds selfish but I just didn't want to deal with him drunk anymore. I didn't even care that it was an addiction problem, I was just fed up. I didn't deserve this. He stopped drinking for the most part. After that he would only be able to convince me to let him drink every couple months. I guess we both figured that at least it wasn't every weekend. After he "quit" drinking, he talked to me about getting this herbal supplement called kratom to help him curb that feeling of need for ANYTHING that would make him feel different from his boring life. Of course I was unhappy about it. I knew it was just another thing for him to make a habit of. He assured me to no end that it was just something to have instead of drinking every once in awhile and it wouldn't become a habit.... Fast forward a few years and he takes it every day. We spend about 100$ a month on it, which isn't bad compared to some things or even my own smoking habit... And to top it all off he has started taking purcs every "once in awhile". He had taken them once or twice after a bad drinking night when we first got together, but I always lectured him heavily on it and he knew my personal problem with purcs in particular because of my mom. Very slowly, I see now that he is doing them more and more often. Every few months, to once a month and now twice a month or so. It's been causing big fights between us. I f***ing hate it. He won't take no for an answer. He isn't mean about it but he will argue and convince and twist it around till we are both exhausted so it's like he deserves it and it isn't everyday so it's not a problem, he's a man and it's up to him. We recently (like a week ago) had a really big fight about it and decided he would have one last hurrah and then not do it "for a really long time".... He called me last night and told me that he really just needs my trust and if I give that to him, the problem will resolve itself because he really just needs to feel like he's in control of it. He tells me that's how all his relationships have been, and when he feels like he's in control he gets bored and just forgets about it so it's not a problem. We decided that each week we would both get 20$ as spending money (we spend to much as is so I was happy about that idea) and we could both just spend it on what we wanted. He promised he wouldn't always spend his on purcs if I would just trust him... With extreme reservations I agreed and said we would talk about it in a few months and discuss how it was working.... I found out this morning, he tells me like it's no big deal, that he went to go buy some purcs today with his "allowance". One week after his supposed last hurrah and one night after he promised he wouldn't spend his on this all the time....
I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do. When we arnt fighting he hints at getting married and we talk about having kids sometimes. It sounds beautiful for a few minutes, right up until I run into that huge elephant in the room... And that's it. That's my story. That's where I'm coming from. If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading it all. You deserve a pat on the back and a glass of water :P