Ugh, its the good days... which now are few. I think it's more of holding onto a memory or the past. He was not always like this. He babied me.. he rubbed my feet, he cuddled every night (and still did even on bad days) he brought me tea in bed, he cooked like a darn chef every night. He helped me through debilitating GAD which I was able to get off meds when we first got together. I would have severe panic attacks and he was the only person in the world that could literally hold me and talk me out of it. No more meds now for two years- actually even through this ordeal it hasn't come back. He was very supportive and was my absolute best friend. Maybe I was harsh in my last post to say that he used me from the beginning. He was always a slacker- yes. Always procrastinator-yes. Immature-yes. He was never perfect, but I felt very loved for a long while...
So yes, very very hard to let go. Especially when he knows how to win me over and make me smile through anything. He can change my tears to smiles in 5 minutes if he feels like it... problem is most of the time he feels like crushing me these days...
But I don't believe I will contact him until I at least have the baby and see how I feel then...and unless he is financially stable there is NOWAY he is coming back here. I cannot support him. Feeling better today... I feel much calmer and am not really crying much. I went to a work outing at the park with the kids, ran some errands and just tried to be normal.