Sick of Alcoholics.
Hi everyone, first time posting here. Been reading through some posts and feeling a bit more encouraged. It's nice to know you're not alone.
I've had a very long history with alcoholics - I personally hate the stuff and can't bring myself to ever get drunk, but my mother is a recovered(ish, she has some slip-ups) alcoholic and I've just discovered that my boyfriend is too. Seems like I can't shake them.
My childhood with an alcoholic parent went about as well as expected. I'm left with incredibly deep-seated guilt for a lot of what happened and I feel very anxious, to the point of vomiting/insomnia/total loss of appetite, if I ever think someone is upset with me. I know it's all in my head and that these are survival mechanisms, but most of the time they haven't bothered me. Until now.
I guess I noticed a couple of red flags with my boyfriend. I've caught him going through my facebook messages. When I am sad he gets frustrated and doesn't want to 'manage my feelings'. He has the potential to be emotionally abusive - recent incidents involve him claiming to be in love with one of his colleagues and constantly commenting on how attractive/intelligent she is and making fun of me when I ask him to stop.
Yesterday morning I raised some doubts about what he was drinking in his glass. He claimed it to be just apple juice, and after some more half ass lies and excuses it of course turned out to be whiskey. I had often commented many times we'd been together that he smelt of whiskey - he always denied it. He'd have a glass in front of me at night time so I always figured he had nothing to hide and could drink in moderation. Now I realise that for the past few months I don't know when he's been sober and presumably the man I love, or drunk and the emotionally abusive and lying man.
People here tell tales of truly horrific abuse and I know my story doesn't compare, yet I'm so hurt by this breach of trust. It feels worse that he knew about my past with alcoholism and still hid things from me and lied.
And still. All the past has come rushing back. I know exactly what I should do and what I need to do (walk far away and never look back, duh). But all the codependency stuff I've had with me as a child is really kicking in. I truly can't bring myself to leave, and I feel so guilty for thinking about it. I can't even properly confront him or have a conversation about it as the idea of him reacting and getting upset makes me so anxious.
You guys all seem so good at giving pointers. I'd really appreciate anything right now.