Thank you Sungrl, Ladyscribbler and Bellanoviella.
Ladyscribbler, I'm in my late 30's. Reality hit me last year when I realized that my chances of having my own family were diminishing as the years go on. I had made a conscious decision to move on earlier this year, and like lightening he came out of nowhere with communications from every avenue. I shot down all so that his words would not influence my decision. He made changes and stuck to them. I slowly let him back into my life.
Things were going well. We dealt with doubts I had. He was reasonable. Last night though? Broke my heart as I could feel myself having an argument I've had many times before.
Bellanoviella, He has not contacted me since which is another sign. I have no intentions of each reaching out and apt to leave things as they are. With each day that passes without contact, I will know. I'm not sure he will do a drug test. He said he would at the beginning of the summer, but I let it slide as his actions showed me something different. When I asked him last night when he would do the drug test, he said he didn't know when. I asked if he was waiting for it to exit his system. He never replied.
I know my own cycles too. The first few days, I'm working on adrenaline and feel strong. Afterwards, immense sadness comes as I acknowledge I'm going through a break up. Then I started missing him. What a cycle...I've tried to break so many times only to find myself back here... again. And yes, I feel ashamed.
The only good thing is that I have tools to work with this time around. I learnt a lot about self-care and doing things on my own..........